As I sit here staring at the beginning of a new painting, my mind is reeling. I go from happy, excited, imaginative thoughts of what I want to create to the ever present negative, deprecating voice that says "WHY?"
What is the purpose of this painting?
Why are you creating it?
It's a thick wall of doubt that I hit when it comes to my creative process.
I think about my life, and my connection with art as I start to address this creative obstacle.
Maybe my answer is as simple as I have to create. I am an artist and I have to create, make, imagine, explore, push, grow, and fail as part of me being ME. Does this painting have to have a purpose? Is it my goal to have prints made and sell them at craft fairs or online? Do I want my paintings to hang up in every Marriott across the globe? Do I just want to create this painting because it's purely a selfish goal? What is my next step? Where do I go from here?
These are the questions that I mull over continuously when I sit down to create. Then I remind myself that feeling I get when I'm in the process of creating a piece and how I enter this world where nothing else matters, and my hands are trying to keep up with my thoughts. I don't think about anything else, other than making this painting work. I remember back in college I heard this expression "The Agony and Ecstasy of being an Artist" the romance and the struggle of the creative process. I think of that expression and giggle, but it's true! I love the evolution and challenge of each piece. It's quite the problem solving process. I love it one minute and I hate it and paint over everything the next minute.
When I start a painting I usually have something in mind, and I'll lightly sketch out a composition. Sometimes I'll start it with an uncontrollable element. I'll make puddles of water on the surface, mix in my watercolors, let the puddles go trying to steer clear of MUD (I despise muddy colors). Occasionally I'll start a painting with a ground, possibly a collage of some material. A few of my favorite paintings from college were with dress patterns used as the ground. It's quite a task to take on when you start with a ground, because sometimes it's hard to imagine what needs to happen. You could mimic the ground surface, or you could deny it.
Sometimes I just love the beginning phase and I don't want to push it further. But, if I don't push it further, then again....... what's the point? I can't help but think that I can make it better, make it work. Adversely too, it can be scary. I have had many failed paintings, when I wish I could just go back in time, and stop myself at that first part when I loved the simplicity of that beginning phase.
So, here I am at the precipice of this new painting trying to calculate my next move. Trying to silence my self doubt, and push on forward. Perhaps the mission or purpose of this painting is to simply MAKE. I need to just create what I want with no real goal in mind. Maybe this painting will evolve into an interesting piece or end up on pause for a few years? Stay Tuned.
Thank you for reading my first ever blog post!